The Realtor From Hell

Realtor: So you're looking for your first house.

Man: That's right

Woman: Or a condo maybe, if the price and location is right. We'd like something in the suburbs where the schools are nice, but not too far away. We'd like to be near the city.

Realtor: That's great! I'm sure this must be a very exciting time for you both!

Woman: Thank you, it is.

Realtor: So what exactly we're you thinking of?

Man: Well, at least a two bedroom, but preferably three.

Woman: We don't have kids, but maybe in the future, so we'd like something in a nice
school district.

Man: We were hoping for maybe a nice cape cod maybe.

Woman: Maybe something with a yard.

Realtor: I see I see, I might have something I can show you. What's your price range?

Man: We were pre-approved by the bank for two hundred thousand.

Realtor: Two hundred thousand?

Woman: Yes, that's what the man at the bank said.

Realtor: I see.

Man: Is there a problem? We'd be willing to look into a condo if it would make a >difference.

Realtor: To be honest, for two hundred thousand, we don't have much these days, even in condos.

Woman: You must have something. This has been our dream for so long.

Realtor: Well, I do have something, but I didn't think you'd be interested in it.

Man: What is it.

Realtor: It's a four bedroom split level with a two car garage and a Jacuzzi.

Woman: That sounds wonderful!

Man: How much is it?

Realtor: It's currently on the market for one hundred and twenty-five.

Man: That's great!

Woman: And it's still available?

Realtor: Yes it's available. It's - You see, the neighborhood has a very bad reputation.

Woman: Oh.

Man: Where is it, exactly?

Realtor: It's in Hell.

Pause.

Man: I beg your pardon?

Realtor: Hell. Actually it's been renamed now. They call it Brimstone  Estates. It's a gated community.

Woman: A gated community?

Realtor: Yes, it has a fence and a gate with a guard. You have to show a special ID to the three-headed dog.

Man: Hell?

Realtor: That's right.

Woman: Hell?

Realtor: That's right. Hell. Don't worry, it's on the second level. It's where they send all the republicans, so the taxes are really low.

Woman: I see.

Realtor: I didn't think you'd be interested.

Pause.

Man: What's the parking like?

Realtor: The parking?

Man: We like to have guests over from time to time, is there plenty of on-street parking?

Realtor: Oh yes. It's kind of a long commute, but the roads are very smooth because they use good intentions.

Woman: Good intentions?

Realtor: Yes, the roads are paved with good intentions. Also, most of the traffic is in the other direction.

Woman: What's the weather like down there?

Realtor: Well, they say it's not so much the heat as it is the humidity. We recommend air conditioning for anyone looking to buy. There's swimming year round though, and it has a great view of the fire pit.

Woman: The fire pit?

Realtor: Where they burn off the sins of lost souls. Most people don't like to watch, but
they only work eight to five these days.

Man: Eight to five?

Realtor: The devils have a union now.

Woman: Well that's good for them.

Realtor: The only problem, and this is a concern here, is that they say the resale value is
low. For a long time people said once you were in hell, you were there for all eternity. I think that's an exaggeration though.

Man: You mean hell's not as bad as they say?

Realtor: There was a group of locals trying to keep the yuppies out for awhile, so they put up this sign. You know, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." That's absurd. It's opening up now. They just put in a Trader Joe's next to the mall, and I think that will help a little bit.

Woman: Ahh….

 Man: What's the interior like?